Hell Ain't a Bad Place to Be
by BulletproofPony
Summary: After his defeat in the Crystal Empire, Sombra is sent to Hell to suffer for his sins until the end of time. However, it turns out that his eternal punishment is not a lake of fire, but rather a combination of annoying neighbors, confusing paperwork, and disgusting beer. Will Discord be able to get the angry newcomer to loosen up and enjoy his eternity?


Chapter 1: Abandon Hope

"State your name." Sombra was not a humble stallion by any stretch of the imagination, but even he felt compelled to kneel before the awesome presence he suddenly found himself standing before. Standing taller than Princess Celestia and shining brighter than the heavenly body she represented, the oft-speculated but never truly confirmed goddess of all ponies looked down on the dark emperor. Between the two floated an open book with a leather cover and brilliant, golden lettering. It looked as though it could easily outweigh any pony.

"King Sombra," he said in a deep, calm voice. "Ruler of the Crystal Emp—"

"You are ruler of nothing here!" The book slammed shut, echoing like thunder across the never-ending expanse of light. "Your status in the mortal world means nothing to me. All that you bring with you to eternity are your deeds, good and bad."

Sombra rose and stared into the eyes of the goddess. "Then I suppose that that book of yours has quite a lengthy entry on me." He smiled.

The goddess did not seem to be either amused or disgusted by his character, but remained formal in her manner of speech. "Sombra, do you feel any remorse for your actions towards the crystal ponies?"

"No."

"Are you ready to face your eternal punishment?"

The unicorn's only response was a low chuckle.

"Very well, then."

The goddess lowered her head and a beam of light shot from her horn and towards Sombra, striking the ground in front of him. A circle of flame formed around him, rising slowly until the tendrils were higher than his horn.

"Do you know what one of your precious crystal ponies once told me?" he asked as he felt the ground sinking beneath his hooves.

"What is that?"

"He told me that my very existence is proof positive that you were not real. That none of this… Heaven, Hell, none of it was real. And so, having lost his faith in you, he committed his life to deeds most foul." The ground started to crack. "He died in his sin, and I am sure I shall meet him where I am going." Sombra gave the goddess a wicked smile. "You know who I am talking about, don't you?"

"What is your point?"

"I agree with him. How could a loving goddess such as you allow someone like me to exist? The way I see it, you belong down there with him. With me. And with everypony you ever created only to damn in the end. You have hurt more ponies than I ever could."

If the goddess said anything, it was drowned out by the roar of the flames as they burst from the ground and engulfed Sombra completely, leaving nothing behind.

* * *

He wasn't quite sure what he was expecting, but Sombra was definitely surprised when he appeared in the middle of what he naturally assumed to be Hell. He was not chained up with a swarm of demons gnawing away at his flesh, or swimming through a lake of fire. Instead, he found himself standing just on the other side of a small gateway which led to a courtyard filled with large stone buildings. It looked not unlike a fortified city that he could have seen—and conquered—while he was still alive. Ponies walked the streets as though they were just going about their lives, unaware of the fact that they had been damned for all eternity. The only thing even remotely hellish about the place was the sky, which appeared to be covered in a layer of black smoke, with a red sun shining behind it.

Standing on either side of the gateway was a unicorn guard. Their coats were red and their manes were fire, and their armor was black as coal. Their crossed spears were the only things keeping Sombra from walking right into the courtyard.

"State your name," said one of the guards as he approached.

Sombra growled. "Didn't I just go through this with… her?"

"The goddess only determines whether you go to Heaven or Hell. You still have to be properly sorted down here."

"It will only take a moment, sir," said the other guard, this one a mare, "and then I promise that you will be able to enjoy your eternal damnation in peace."

The former king sighed and told them his name. The guards looked at each other for a moment, until the stallion guard lifted his hoof up to his nose.

"Oh, damn it all to hell," said the mare.

The stallion smiled. "My friend shall escort you to your new home, Mr. Sombra. Please, enjoy your stay in Hell."

"Yeah, yeah, let's go," the mare groaned.

Sombra followed the guard through the gateway and into the city, where his suspicions were confirmed. It truly did seem to be just like any city, with homes and businesses lining the streets. Ponies and other creatures walked and talked with one another; most of them were even smiling. It disgusted him. If any one of the ponies he passed knew who he was, he thought, they would shake with fear and beg for mercy at his hooves. He would show them what Hell was really all about.

"I'm sure you're wondering about this place, right?" the guard asked after a moment of silence. "With most souls, I've usually had to answer about a million questions. 'Where's the fire and brimstone?' 'This place doesn't seem so bad. Did I get sent to Heaven by accident?' Well, let me tell you, this is definitely Hell. I should know. I've been here for four hundred years."

"I was curious, I will admit. Some of these souls seem all too happy about being here."

"Newbies," the guard snorted. "It hasn't really sunk in with them yet. They get here and think it's not that much different than being alive. Oh, it's different and it takes some getting used to, but it beats little ponies in red pajamas poking you with pitchforks for all eternity. But then they start to understand how this place works, and slowly but surely they all lose their minds. The souls that you have seen walking around here are merely a fraction of Hell's inhabitants; most of them have left the city and wandered off to parts unknown, never to return. At night, when the city life has died down, you can hear them in the distance, howling and crying and screaming, begging for the sweet release of death. But death never comes."

The guard's speech was interrupted when a large boulder fell from the sky and directly onto her, crushing her completely under its weight. The only thing poking out from underneath the rock was the tip of her spear. Sombra stopped walking and looked upwards to see the source of the subsequent fit of laughter.

"Yes!" a voice cried out from a rooftop. A long, slender form then jumped down and landed next to the boulder. The creature, which looked to be a jumbled mess of various other creatures, danced around the scene of the crime, laughing madly all the while. "Let's see you get out of this one!"

A muffled voice yelled from underneath the boulder, but it was impossible for Sombra to make out. The creature walked over to him and smiled. "Allow me to translate. She is saying, 'You've won, Discord. Finally, you have defeated the system, and you are free to take control and let chaos reign.' Oh, Charmer, I would kiss you if I could."

More muffled screams from underneath the boulder, but the creature ignored them. "So, my new friend," he said to Sombra, "how about it? Think this neighborhood could stand to have a little more chaos?" He extended a paw. "Discord's the name, chaos and disharmony is the game."

Sombra ignored the gesture and glared at him. "Why do I get the feeling you are just wasting my time?"

"Oh please. You're in Hell now, my little pony. You have all the time in the world."

"_What_ did you call me?"

Discord stepped way and turned his attention to the boulder. "Now, let's start off with something simple… Got to relearn it from scratch. Baby steps, you know?" He held out both hands towards the boulder and stared intently at it. "How about… a giant meatball?"

"I think I will just be on my way."

The guard shouted something, but nobody paid it any mind. Sombra turned around and started to walk away.

"Meat…ball…" Discord said, straining his face and wiggling his fingers, and in a flash, the boulder burst into a thousand tiny pieces, catching Sombra's attention. In its place stood the female guard, completely unharmed. Discord looked at his hands and frowned. "Oh, poo. That isn't what I wanted to do at all."

"It wasn't _you_ who did it, Discord," said the guard as she removed her helmet to inspect it for damage. As she did this, she magically changed from their decidedly demonic appearance; the flames fell and turned into a curly white mane and tail, and her blood-red coat became light purple. "We've been over this several times now. Your powers do not work here."

Discord crossed his arms. "Oh, but _yours_ do? That seems completely fair."

"Mine work because I never used them for evil while I was alive."

Sombra considered her words as the two continued to bicker. He looked down at one of the tiny boulder pieces that landed in front of him, and attempted to levitate it. To his horror, it did not so much as budge. He tried again, focusing harder and harder on the tiny rock, pouring all of his concentration into making it lift off of the ground, but to no avail. "No," he said to himself. "Not even the simplest spell?"

"Come on, Sombra," said the guard, who had replaced her helmet and returned to her former state. "We are almost there." Sombra looked down at the rock one last time, sighed, and walked on with the guard.

"Ooooh, did you say Sombra?" Discord asked, and started to walk alongside the two. "I am so sorry I didn't recognize you. I am actually a huge fan of your work. It is truly an honor to meet you." He grabbed Sombra's hoof and shook it wildly. "Listen, once you get yourself situated, you simply _must_ meet me and a couple of friends down at the bar. We can exchange stories, have a few drinks, and raise a little hell." The chimera chuckled at his own joke.

"I shall consider it," Sombra lied.

"Excellent. Then I shall leave you two to do your thing. Now, you be gentle with him, Charmer."

The guard's flames flared up. "Leave!" Discord chuckled as he floated away, over the buildings. "I'm sorry about that. Just ignore him," she said to Sombra, but he was already ignoring her.

* * *

"Well, here you are: room number 18351."

Sombra frowned at the small room that was presented to him. It was dull and gray, which appeared to be the norm for Hell. There was a rickety bed, with a small nightstand with a candle on top sitting next to it. Far from the lavish royal homes he had enjoyed in life, this room looked not unlike the dungeons he would have had his servants living in. The only oddity was a small, nice looking desk with ink and a quill. He would have never dreamed of offering his slaves such niceties.

"It isn't what you're used to, I'm sure, but it's your home now. Until, of course, you inevitably go mad like all the others."

"We shall see about that."

"That's what everybody thinks at first. They're all going to be the first one to beat this place and make it work, but—"

"Are you quite done here?"

Charming sighed. "Almost. Sorry. I just need you to fill out some paperwork." Her horn began to glow an orange-red, and a thick stack of papers suddenly materialized between them.

"Paperwork?" Sombra scoffed.

"Everybody has to do it. It's just a one-time thing, and then you are set for eternity." She levitated the papers over to the desk and turned to leave. "It's quite a bit, so I or someone else will be back to pick it up tomorrow."

Before Sombra could say anything, there was a loud crash from below, accompanied by yelling and laughing. "What was that?"

"That bar Discord invited you to? It's downstairs. So, if you ever want to take him up on his offer…"

There was another crash, this time along with the sound of breaking glass and screaming. "You must be kidding."

Charming smiled. "Welcome to Hell."


End file.
